Sunday, February 1, 2009

February 1, 2009

February 1, 2009- I'm struggling! There have been days when I know Dad is there comforting me, but for the most part I'm struggling. I feel so far away from my family. I try to go on everyday for my husband and kids but what I really want to do is crawl in a cocoon for about 6 months, I don't want to talk to anyone about it, and I don't want anyone to ask me anymore "How am I doing?" I know they mean well, but my heart starts to race and I cant breath! this happens to me all day long every day. I cant stop crying! & I cant stop hurting! I just want to hear his voice, or pass him on the road or have one last hug and slap on the back so hard it collapses a lung. I'm worrying terribly about our Mom being alone, I don't want her to be sad and alone @ the same time. I'm praying as much now as when I was in the hospital and reading my scriptures trying to find comfort in them. I feel a special closeness with Brian who has been an amazing support for me. As for today, another day of deep painful heartache. I miss my friend, secret keeper, mischief making negotiator, Dad. I wish you were here, I was not ready to let you go, I probably never would have been even if you lived until 100. Every second of every day are filled with thoughts of you. I know in time my heart will heal.
One things for sure! We are One Close Family! and there is a lot of love between us.


  1. I hear ya Cheryl it is so hard to go on every day when all you are thinking about is Dad!!! I wake up in the night crying, go to bed crying, he is always on my mind. I am so afraid that I am going to forget what his voice sounds like it scares me. I just want to hear him say "Tricia my girl" and ask me when I can come do his toes! I don't think it is fair that we had to lose such a great person so soon. I miss him so much. I love you and I know that we will be able to get through this eventually with each others love and support(i hope because right now it doesn't seem to get any easier).

  2. Tricia & Cheryl,
    I can so relate to everything you are saying, because I felt exactly the same way after my grandma (who was like my mom) died. I used to resent when people said it would get better in time. I didn't want it to get better, because that meant I accepted the fact that it was time for her to go & that I could live without her, which I just couldn't fathom ever feeling. Then a friend said to me, that just isn't true. You always will always miss her, you will always need her, you will always wish she lived to be a hundred and fifty. It's not that it gets better, you just learn to cope with it better. I was so glad she told me that, because for months, I wondered what was wrong with me. Hang in there, I am thinking & praying for you all. Love, Melody

  3. Cheryl,
    I don't know if you remember me, but I worked with Ted for 10 years at the rental yard. When my Don died I felt much the same as you are describing and I came to realize (with the help of Hospice) this period of grieving is a journey that is one of the hardest in life to travel. But you will do it. You will backslide, you will think it will always be this way, you will be sad, angry, and every other emotion will surge through you, but one step at a time you will move through grief. And your friend that wrote above is 100% correct. You'll never forget, you'll always wish he was still here; but it will become easier to live with and life will not be better or worse; it will be different. But it will be life, I promise you. The best advice I can give you is to hang in there, be kind to yourself, and do what feels right to you.
    Love to all your family,
    Sherry Olkonen