February 1, 2009- I'm struggling! There have been days when I know Dad is there comforting me, but for the most part I'm struggling. I feel so far away from my family. I try to go on everyday for my husband and kids but what I really want to do is crawl in a cocoon for about 6 months, I don't want to talk to anyone about it, and I don't want anyone to ask me anymore "How am I doing?" I know they mean well, but my heart starts to race and I cant breath! this happens to me all day long every day. I cant stop crying! & I cant stop hurting! I just want to hear his voice, or pass him on the road or have one last hug and slap on the back so hard it collapses a lung. I'm worrying terribly about our Mom being alone, I don't want her to be sad and alone @ the same time. I'm praying as much now as when I was in the hospital and reading my scriptures trying to find comfort in them. I feel a special closeness with Brian who has been an amazing support for me. As for today, another day of deep painful heartache. I miss my friend, secret keeper, mischief making negotiator, Dad. I wish you were here, I was not ready to let you go, I probably never would have been even if you lived until 100. Every second of every day are filled with thoughts of you. I know in time my heart will heal.
One things for sure! We are One Close Family! and there is a lot of love between us.